On My Mind....

Oh Blogging World - sometimes I write all of the things all of the times.
Other times - ok, most of the time - I have to sit myself down and remember that I started this thing and it's up to me to continue it.

There's so much swirling around in my head right now.

First: Why am I feeling a sense of sadness right now? 
I was skating at Oaks on Sunday night and a wash of sadness came over me midway through the evening.
I don't know what brought it on and I have yet to figure out what it's about.  It's not a strong sense of sadness.  Just a sort of "meh" feeling.  I usually have cycles of being slightly depressed.  But this doesn't feel the same.

Second: Why am I already failing with the weight loss?
I've already hit a speed bump in my weight loss journey.  I can feel myself slipping back into old habits.
I have yet to break my sweet tooth.  I just can't seem to get over that hurdle.  I don't eat as much bread. So that's a good thing.  I'm also not getting in enough exercise.  I get home and sit my ass down on the couch. It's such a horrible habit. I realized that what I need to do is have my walking shoes with me and drive over to the track by the high school and just walk for 30 min to an hour after work depending on what day it is.  I've been good with going skating on Sun/Thurs and water aerobics on Tues.  But I need to up it.  I need to do weights.  I need to remember I'm doing this because I don't want the same health issues as my mom.
I am participating in the Retro Run - and I'm pretty excited!
http://www.theretrorun5k.com/#!portland/c1450

Third: Our society scares me
The rape. The murder. The inability to see past our own noses.
I think Henry Rollins says everything that I could ever want to say.  This man.  I need to learn more about him. One of my college suite-mates loved him (still does to this day actually), and I never fully understood her obsession.  The more I learn about him, the more I want to spend a day just listening to him talk things through. Please click on and read the link (so long as it works, I had trouble with his website earlier this evening).  
http://henryrollins.com/dispatch/detail/dispatch_03-17-12_los_angeles/

Fourth: How can I better cultivate the friendships I have/expand my network? 
My community is small here in Portland. Well, ok not small.  It's roller derby.
So I guess it's just not diverse.  When I hosted my 30th birthday - all the people were roller derby. There were no work people or folks from other circles.  I'm not bothered by this. I just realize that I need to stretch myself and get out and do other things.
I'm not sure where to start on the getting involved elsewhere.
But I do want to host at least these two parties this year: White Trash Bunco and a Coloring Party.
The Coloring Party idea belongs to my friend and better blogger Aurora.
She's seriously been inspiring me since college (and is the same one who has loved Henry Rollins all these years)
http://www.auroralady.com/have-your-own-coloring-book-party/

There's a bit more - but this is a pretty long post already.

Weight Gain

I finally went to a meeting and didn't loose weight.
I really wasn't surprised.
Buuuut - I can't complain.
It was a mere .4 gain.
The leader stated: That's the difference between a morning and night weigh in.
Which is what had happened.

Really - I wasn't surprised I hadn't lost.
It wasn't the best of weeks.  Poor food choices.  Lack of exercise.

So I'd say this week I'll get into shape.  Buuuuttt...Aunt Irma is visiting.
And all I want to do is eat all of the cheez-it's I can.  Le Sigh.
(and I just ate far too many)

Tomorrow back to it.

Youtube Inspiration

Reminder: Be Yourself. Stand Up and Join In.
The first video is about being a leader as well as a follower.
The second video is really about not giving a damn care about others and just dancing.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hO8MwBZl-Vc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=qfQng2kjpxI

Weight Loss Check in Week "9"

Since the 3 day bout weekend in February I have not been tracking.
I'm not sure why.  I just haven't done it.  There have been a few days here and there that I've written some stuff down.  But for some reason I let myself "fall off the wagon"

I must have been sort of aware of what I was eating however.  And, other than not getting in any exercise when I was sick I have gone to water aerobics and skating.

My last weigh in was 2/21.
That was 2 weeks ago.
Ok - technically 15 days ago.
I should be on week 10 - back on track now.  And that's what matters.

I chose to not go to my meeting last night.  The sun was shining. I wanted one last day of being off the wagon.  Truffle fries and a steamed bbq pork hum bao for dinner.  Thank you Jade Teahouse (if you've never eaten there - it's mega delicious and really affordable - http://www.jadeportland.com/).
I ate outside.  Enjoyed my meal while two dogs stared at me, asking me with their eyes to throw them a taste of deliciousness.  I did not oblige.

Instead I weighed in this morning.  For Friday at 9:30 am - the meeting was packed! I stepped up to the scale thinking that I had probably gained at least a little bit of the weight back.  Or at least stayed somewhere around the same.
I was shocked to see the results.  A loss of 3.4 pounds.  What? That's crazy.
I am aware that I usually weigh in at night, after I've eaten all day and that this means things could be a little skewed.  But I'll take it!
It also means that I've now lost a grand total of 15.8 pounds and I have a new daily point target (DPT) of 28.

I know that the lower the DPT, the better.  But it's always bitter sweet - going down a point.  Less food I get to consume that isn't zero point fruit or veggies.  I know.  Fruits and Veggies are better for me.  But I am still having trouble managing my sweet tooth.  Not sure why it's so much harder this time than the last.

I've got a 4 day weekend (3 days after today).  I need to do some self reflection and re-work my daily eating plan. I also need to figure out a work out plan.  This might mean waking up earlier and that really doesn't excite me.  But, I'm definitely not getting in enough exercise.

What Is Your Dream Job and Why. (Question #7)

There are 2 different ideal jobs that come to mind.
I’d love either of them.


The first being a party planner.  The type where I could use all of my creative ideas.  Paper and food.  I love the idea of all the socialness.  The prep.  The creating.  Doing this full time would bring me all of the joy.  


The second would include traveling.  I don’t know the exact job.  But it would include someone paying me to travel to exotic locations and eating delicious food.  

Both of these would bring me joy.  And isn’t that what a dream job is supposed to be - something that is full of joy.  Something that isn’t really a job?

Perhaps I could travel and plan parties.  The best of both worlds.

Inspiration from the Mouths of Others.

I've come across these two quotes the past couple of days.
They both really spoke to me.
So I'm sharing them with you - whomever you are.

You should leave a comment and let me know who you are/where you're visiting from.

I hope that you find inspiration in your life this week.

“When you come to the edge of all the light you 

know,and are about to step off into the 

darkness of the unknown,

FAITH is knowing one 

of two things will happen: 

There will be something solid to stand on 

or you will be taught how to fly.”

This quote is either by Barbara J Winter or Patrick Overton. 

And then there's this one...I don't know if it has an author. If the internet proves to be correct - the author is unknown.

An arrow can only be shot by 

pulling it backwards. So when life

 is dragging you back with

 difficulties, it means that it's

 going to launch you into

 something great.

So just focus, and keep aiming.

Hardest Thing I've Ever Experienced (Question #6)

Loss.  


Finding out someone I loved had passed away via FB is probably the hardest thing I’ve endured so far.  

His name was Joseph David Manhardt.  
I met him while I lived in Buffalo, NY.  I was working at a Church as an Americorps VISTA. He was there working as an outside contractor helping them to replace their heating system.  
I pursued him like it was my job.  We hit it off.  We hung out.  We dated.  We went on a cruise.  
We stopped dating.  
But we remained close friends.  I was still in love with him when I left Buffalo.  
I cried halfway through my trip home - talking to him on the phone.  
Why hadn't I fought for him? Or him me? 
Love can be so cruel.

We talked on the phone often. 
He was planning on visiting me in Portland February of 2011.  
But it never happened.  
December of 2010 I saw a post on his FB page.  One that lead me to do an internet search and send a message to his sister in law asking what had happened.  
Joe passed away in his sleep due to heart failure.  He was young.  Not even 35 at that point.  
It was unexpected.  It was a shock to my very being.  
My soul and heart would never be the same.  

Someday I’ll make the trek back to Buffalo so that I can visit his grave and have full closure.  
I still miss him to this day. 

Joseph David Manhardt 

August 24, 1976 - December 6, 2010

The 5 Things That Make Me Most Happy Right Now (Question #5)

5. The freedom to express myself
4. My wonderful friends
3. Roller Derby and the amazing community that I’ve found through it.
2. My mom - the love and support she gives me - always.
1. The knowledge that tomorrow is a new day and I get to start fresh.

5- I get to use this blog, facebook, my voice to express myself and my feelings. I think that's pretty rad. And in the process I get a better knowledge of who I am. Even more rad.

From this website:http://dianae.deviantart.com/art/Be-Yourself-176266688#

4 - The people who have entered my life since I moved to Portland are all amazingly wonderful. I am thankful for every interaction I have with them.

Epic Cartoon II By Keary Ortiz 

3 - I'm not sure what I would be doing with my life if I didn't have derby. And I certainly wouldn't have all the amazing friends if I hadn't gotten myself involved in a big ass league.

2 - My mom - she's the most supportive and loving and I never tell her often enough that I love her. Nor do I call her or write her often enough. Must make better connections with her.

1 - No really - deep breath. New Day. I am always thankful to wake up and face whatever lies ahead of me.

10 Things I Would Tell My 16 Year-Old Self (Question #4)

1. Save your money.   
2. Life is full of surprises - embrace them all.
3. Travel.  Use that saved money and Travel.
4. Love the people who come into your life and learn what you can from them.
5. Never stop believing in yourself.
6. Don’t settle for that guy will meet in 2011.  
7. You won’t ever have all the answers - and that’s ok.
8. Hug your mom more.
9. Dance more.
10. Don’t be afraid to make bad choices.  But own that they are yours and learn what you can from them.

All Stars

Instead of being at Wild West Showdown as a crew head NSO I am at home.

I decided that there was no way that my body would have held up for the weekend.  Still being slightly sick and all.  After seeing how late things ran last night (past midnight), I am glad for the decision I made! I've been exhausted by 9:30/10.  No way I would have made 3 days of working several bouts.

So last night I decided to go to the RCR All Star Meet and Greet.  Which, I did complain that nobody was meeting or greeting me.  They were all mingling with each other.  Though - I do know pretty much all of them.

It was pointed out there was a photo booth.  Nothing like a photo booth (with a self taking picture button) to liven things up!

Panda, Scylla, and Hussy

 All Star Photo Bomb.  Listing their numbers will be easier than names (how NSO of me):

1889, 601, 47, 26, 50, 245, 81, 73, 423, 210, 77, 503, 808, 17h, 49

It's up to you to figure out who is who. 

 And this precious picture.  I feel the strong urge to print and frame this.  

I'm so glad to be a part of this league and all the lovely ladies who make it. 

The Trouble With Men.

I'd like to think that I'm a pretty easy going individual.

One who knows how to play it cool and not be overly swoon-like.

One who, while I might be smitten, can hold a regular ol' conversation with you.  

Today- I found that this is apparently not true.  

But the reaction from the individual as well as myself were both negative.  

Or rather - I perceived their reaction to be negative.  

Also - being set up on a blind date - is kind of tragic.

Especially when the other party decides that it feels 'forced' and 

decides they'd rather meet in a group setting.  

I sent a nice "I understand" reply.

But you know what? I don't.  Perhaps it's because if anything - I didn't view it as a date.  

I looked at it as an opportunity to meet a person outside of my small circle of people.  

Exhausting.  

No really.  

I've said I'm going to give up.  

Raise my little white flag.  Resign to living a life alone.  

I can't even say I feel like I've been trying.  

Because honestly, I haven't been.  

I haven't been overly flirty.

I haven't been chasing.  

Don't they say love comes to those who wait? 

Perhaps I'm not the best at waiting.  

But I've come to the conclusion that I might as well just expect to be single for always.

Confessions

Dear ________________
You are fantastic and I'd like to get to know you more.

Dear _______________
I am your half sister.  We've met each other once that I'm aware of.  You're at least 4 years older than me.
We share the same paternal DNA, but that's all.  I'd like to find you.  Find out more about you.

Dear _____________
I think your actions are so very negative.
I used to look up to you, admire you.
But right now, I find that I want as little of you in my life as possible.

Dear _____________
I'm glad that we've become better friends.  I look forward to more of you in my life.

Dear Body
Stop being sick

I've missed 2 days of work this week.
2!

I still can't actually breath through my nose.
I was supposed to work a derby tournament this weekend - but I feel that there's no way I would be a successful NSO let alone crew head.
So instead, I will stay home this weekend.  And hopefully get better.

I can't remember the last time a cold kicked my butt like this.

Sick Again

I spent the weekend at The Hangar.

Ok...I didn't sleep there. But I might as well have.
Friday nigh - Guns N Rollers vs Cherry Cities 8 Wheel Assassins.
Saturday Morning - Open Scrimmage
Saturday Evening - Heartless Heathers vs High Rollers
Saturday Nigh - After Party
Sunday Afternoon - Rosebuds Exhibition Bout.

All of the derby was amazing.
Rose City is so awe inspiring.

All of the officiating was amazing as well.
I am ever grateful for my crew.  Their dedication - well, we couldn't do it without any of them.

But I clearly ran myself a little too thin.
I could feel it coming on towards the middle of the Sunday bout.
I got home and let myself just be and there it was.
Eff you cold.
Double Eff you derby cold.

I had to go to the grocery store - I didn't purchase anything of real consequence.
I would call in tomorrow but my teacher is out.
And I won't be there on Friday.

It's going to be a long week.

Oh - weight check in.
I'm down 12.4 lbs.
I've been doing a really bad job of tracking/eating well.
I need a spark again.  I'm not sure why I'm slacking.

Cher, where are you to slap me across the face and exclaim "Snap Out Of It"

Reclaiming The Day Off

My weekend was not productive.
In the least.

So today - President's Day - I have strived to get some of the stuff that needed doing done.

Laundry - check.
Well, except for one load.  I only had enough quarters to do 3 loads.
I even put it all away.  Including the stuff from last weeks 2 loads.
I don't know why I'm horrible at putting laundry away.

Change my Sheets - check.
They weren't the one's that came out of the dryer.
Instead I went with the fleece ones. They are so very comfy and cozy.

Grocery Shop - check.
I'm cooking for the week today.

I made an egg dish for lunch.
It includes 3 eggs plus 3 egg whites poured over garlic potato wedges, asparagus, mushroom, and green onions. I baked it in the oven and will cut it into 4 sections.  It's 2.5 points + for that part of it.
I'll eat it with a 1/2 slice of thin bread (1.5 points +) and 1/2 a wedge of laughing cow cheese (.5 points +)
There will also be a piece of fruit in there and pineapple paradise hot dog (3 points +).
Lunch will be a total of 8 points +

Dinner is in the crock pot.
I have not utilized my crock pot at all.
Black Beans, green chilies, jalapeno salsa, and chicken.
It'll be eaten in a tortilla with cheese (2 points + each)
Dinner will be a total of 10 points +

My dinner was inspired by this recipe, which I found at Skinnytaste.com
http://www.skinnytaste.com/2012/12/slow-cooker-chicken-black-bean-tacos.html#more

My hot dogs are these - and are the most delicious
http://www.aidells.com/product/14025

The day is being accompanied with my old friend Alias.
I own the series - but it's on Netflix streaming. So I've got it on in the background.

I didn't accomplish as much as I wanted - but I did get some things done.
And that's a plus.

Also - I'm really looking forward to my lunch and dinner this week.

The Thing I Forgot

I've managed to fit into the one size of jeans that I kept from the last time I lost weight.

A size smaller than what I'd been squeezing myself into (well, as of late, I've been having to wear a belt to keep them up).

Small Joys.

What I worry about is the having to go shopping for new bras/pants.
Yes, I'll thrift store shop for pants.
No, I will NOT thrift store shop for bras.
I also don't tend to buy shirts at thrift stores. I think it's because I know how much I sweat and I don't trust others.

Typical Me

It's so typical of me to start blogging at a very consistent rate - then to just fall of the planet.
I don't know why.
I have so much to say!

First off the weight loss journey.
I've managed to loose a total of 12 pounds.
I reached my 5% goal.

This is very exciting as I had a pretty rough week. Valentine's week brought out the fat girl monster.
She wanted to eat all of the things.  It was pretty bad.  It also didn't help that one of the teachers at the school I work out did a bake sale (For the staff - all of the money went to a local charity).  She's an amazing baker and I just couldn't resist.

At some point on Wednesday I was able to get over the weird "stuff my face" mode.
Thursday, my usual weigh in day, however I chose to go to water aerobics and skating rather than weigh in.  Not because I didn't want to weigh in, but because I felt I needed to get more movement in.
I weighed in on Friday instead.

So if you ask how my Valentine's day went: it was just another day at work followed by deep water aerobics and skating.

I don't think the concept of Valentine's day made me sad.  I've never been a huge fan of the day.  I do miss being in a relationship however.  And I find more and more that all my female friends and many of my male friends are in agreement that I'm pretty awesome - yet they have nobody they can think of that is worthy enough to date me.  Meaning they all have too high of an opinion of me.  Talking with a friend today, she just assumed that I was fighting off the guys because I wanted to be single.
If only.

Seriously - fun girl looking for a great guy.  

Other things.

Last night was the 8th Annual Anti Valentine's Day Party put on by The Heartless Heather's.  

As usual it was all of the fun.  I'm thinking that next year will be the year I do the wheel of misfortune.  

Assuming they have it.  I don't know that I'll ever have the balls to enter the spanking booth.  

Work.

One of my co-workers has really brought out my appreciation for the way I was raised.  My mother was always on me about not doing things half assed.  Don't get me wrong, to this day, there are plenty of things I only put in 75% of the effort.  But not at work.  

He drives me crazy.  Breaks not only mean that I get to an extra day or two away from the kids but also from him.  At first I felt bad about this....but now I don't.  It's exhausting.  I wish that at the beginning of the year I'd started writing down all of the mind blowing things that have happened.

I feel like there's more.
I know there is.
But this will have to do for now.

Sick and Emotional

I took a sick day.

I hate not being able to breath.
I hate coughing up crap.

I hate staying home and doing nothing.

I'm also very behind with the blogging.

I am worried about my weigh in.
I haven't gotten in the exercise.
I missed water aerobics tonight and I did not get in any movement yesterday.
Blergh.

In other news I cried today.
The last time I cried full on tears was years ago.
YEARS.

It's not that I'm not emotional.
I've just never been a big crier.

Today, I was surprised that I cried.
And I was surprised that the person I was on the phone with was the one who brought out the tears.

Will attempt to get back to my regular routine of Blogging this weekend.

Weigh In - Week 5

Something worked this week - I'll blame it on the up of exercise.
That and being more intense with my meal planning.
And of course continuing to track.

A total of 2.6 lbs down for the week.
Making my grand total loss 9.4 lbs since December 28, 2012.
This also decreased my Daily Points Target to 29.  This is a little bitter sweet.
Yay for less points, boo for less food with points plus values.  More fruits and veggies.
And even better planning.

Next week - I WILL hit my 5% goal - which is a total of a 10 pound loss.

And this little video was just the pep talk I needed.
If you haven't seen the Kid President Pep Talk - that's what this is.
And it's pretty much the best.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-gQLqv9f4o

Quesadilla

I'm sharing this with you.
The most deliciously simple meal I've made.

The secret? Having already roasted brussels sprouts on hand.
Oh and finding huge tortillas that are only 2 points plus value each.
Tuck this simple little meal in your back pocket.  I had it after water aerobics this evening and I'll totally be having it tomorrow night.

1 Tortilla (2pts)
1 wedge laughing cow cheese (I used garlic herb because it's what I had on hand) (1pt)
28 grams shredded low fat cheese (2pts)
1 egg - scrambled (2pts) (tomorrow night I'll add an egg white to the whole egg for the addition of 0pts)
Handful of quartered roasted brussels sprouts (1 pt due to the oil used in the process of roasting)
2 strips MorningstarFarms "bacon" (1pt)

9pts plus for a delicious and filling meal.

Tomorrow night I'll add the bell pepper that I forgot to add tonight, giving it more flavor and adding in more bulk/filling-ness.

I'd tell you the brand of tortillas - but that'll have to come in an edit.  My feet are toasty warm in my sheets and I don't feel like venturing to the kitchen.  (yes, a little lazy - but I did water aerobics this evening, so I'm allowed a little lazy)

EDIT! 
The tortillas that I found are from La Tortilla Factory and are called Smart Delicious Tortillas. 
I purchased them at a QFC in Portland, Ore.

Parental Relationship (Question #3)

My mom: She raised me.  
I’d say “by herself” - but I know she had the support of friends and family.  
The day to day stuff though, was all her.  

While we don’t talk every day, she is by far the most important person in my life.  
I’ve probably never expressed how much I admire her tenacity.  Her spirit.  
She’s one heck of a fighter - and I’m pretty sure she probably doesn’t realize it.  

She’s always shown me unconditional love and support.  
For that - I am ever grateful.  

When I was younger - I know I took her for granted.  Isn’t that what most kids do?
As a woman who will turn 31 in July - I am fully understanding her sacrifice and the love she poured into raising me.  

I’d like to say we have a good relationship.  
I know I could be a better communicator - and that would only help it become great.  

My mom: She raised me.
I love her to the moon and back.