I've been volunteering with ____________ for 2 yrs now.
2 yrs of my life.
This last year has been challenging.
I took on a role that I probably didn't really want in the first place
I get a text message from someone who hasn't been around all that often (he has awesome reasons....work..whatever).
He has ideas.
Ways he wants to do things.
He'll be there on Wednesday night to check in.
I DON'T EFFIN CARE.
It took everything not to text back "blah, blah, blah"
Yes, you've been involved for longer.
But honestly - you don't hold our best interests any longer.
06 November 2012
11 October 2012
Seeing the Pretty for the First Time.
I turned 30 this past July.
I've had many years to look at myself in the mirror. To scrutinize my looks. To judge my weight.
Many years to develop a poor self image.
I've been called names.
JG drop out was my favorite. The brilliant high school boy who called me this actually meant it as Jenny Craig drop out. When I pointed out to him that 'Craig' starts with C and not G he stopped calling me the name. Oh High School boys.
There have been more names than that. Names that helped me to build a wall.
Names and looks that have helped me to develop a negative self image.
It's the story of the overweight girl.
Some become super funny (not me). Most know how to deflect with sarcasm (me, me, that's me!).
All of us have some sort of wall built up. We know what it is to go shopping with our skinny best friend - because that's what happens - and not actually purchase anything because we go into the skinny stores with her and don't want to drag her into our part of the store.
I've spent years faking that I feel ok with myself.
Trying to impress myself. Trying to impress others.
I've lost weight.
I've gained it back.
I've accepted that I am a big girl. Though, I'll work at maintaining my weight/loosing some of what I've gained back because I admit I felt better when I had lost those 30 pounds.
I've never thought that I was pretty. Not because I was never told. My mother has always told me how pretty/beautiful I am. I've had friends express it. I've had boyfriends say it. But in my heart, I hadn't truly believed it.
This is a sad thing to admit.
The other day I caught a glimpse of my reflection in my car window. It was my eyes that I really looked at.
And for the first time in my 30 years on this earth I actually thought: I am pretty.
I hope that I can continue to feel this.
To recognize this.
I hope that it doesn't take another 30 years for me to realize that I am beautiful.
I've had many years to look at myself in the mirror. To scrutinize my looks. To judge my weight.
Many years to develop a poor self image.
I've been called names.
JG drop out was my favorite. The brilliant high school boy who called me this actually meant it as Jenny Craig drop out. When I pointed out to him that 'Craig' starts with C and not G he stopped calling me the name. Oh High School boys.
There have been more names than that. Names that helped me to build a wall.
Names and looks that have helped me to develop a negative self image.
It's the story of the overweight girl.
Some become super funny (not me). Most know how to deflect with sarcasm (me, me, that's me!).
All of us have some sort of wall built up. We know what it is to go shopping with our skinny best friend - because that's what happens - and not actually purchase anything because we go into the skinny stores with her and don't want to drag her into our part of the store.
I've spent years faking that I feel ok with myself.
Trying to impress myself. Trying to impress others.
I've lost weight.
I've gained it back.
I've accepted that I am a big girl. Though, I'll work at maintaining my weight/loosing some of what I've gained back because I admit I felt better when I had lost those 30 pounds.
I've never thought that I was pretty. Not because I was never told. My mother has always told me how pretty/beautiful I am. I've had friends express it. I've had boyfriends say it. But in my heart, I hadn't truly believed it.
This is a sad thing to admit.
The other day I caught a glimpse of my reflection in my car window. It was my eyes that I really looked at.
And for the first time in my 30 years on this earth I actually thought: I am pretty.
I hope that I can continue to feel this.
To recognize this.
I hope that it doesn't take another 30 years for me to realize that I am beautiful.
08 October 2012
A Fresh Start
I continuously write a post to FB, but don't ever hit submit.
Clearly I need to start expressing myself again. And this is just the place to do it.
My poor little abandoned blog.
I have been having lots of feelings in the way of being disappointed in someone for a choice they made which did not directly affect me (it could have, had things gone bad, indirectly affected me). I suppose I wish that this person had been able to make a better judgement call. Had been able to say no. Had been able to look somewhere else for what was needed.
I found out from someone else regarding the thing that happened. My friend chose to hide what happened from me - and I understand why. But oh how I just want to smack my friend upside the head and and pin a sign above his mirror which would read "don't be a douche bag."
Aside from being disappointed in somebody else's life choice I've been writing a list in my head of things I'd like to change about myself.
I turned 30 in July and there are still many things which I somewhat dislike about myself.
My attitude, how non witty/funny I am, my sarcastic nature, my inability to find joy in the small things, people call me boss because I am bossy. I hate that I'm bossy/mother like. Always have been. Don't know how to undo it. My singleness.
I really don't know how to undo the singleness. I know a bunch of girls, non-single guys, or guys who can't make good life choices. I don't get out enough. I apparently don't know how to use a dating site.
Apparently a Fresh Start is code for A Bunch of Complaining.
Clearly I need to start expressing myself again. And this is just the place to do it.
My poor little abandoned blog.
I have been having lots of feelings in the way of being disappointed in someone for a choice they made which did not directly affect me (it could have, had things gone bad, indirectly affected me). I suppose I wish that this person had been able to make a better judgement call. Had been able to say no. Had been able to look somewhere else for what was needed.
I found out from someone else regarding the thing that happened. My friend chose to hide what happened from me - and I understand why. But oh how I just want to smack my friend upside the head and and pin a sign above his mirror which would read "don't be a douche bag."
Aside from being disappointed in somebody else's life choice I've been writing a list in my head of things I'd like to change about myself.
I turned 30 in July and there are still many things which I somewhat dislike about myself.
My attitude, how non witty/funny I am, my sarcastic nature, my inability to find joy in the small things, people call me boss because I am bossy. I hate that I'm bossy/mother like. Always have been. Don't know how to undo it. My singleness.
I really don't know how to undo the singleness. I know a bunch of girls, non-single guys, or guys who can't make good life choices. I don't get out enough. I apparently don't know how to use a dating site.
Apparently a Fresh Start is code for A Bunch of Complaining.
08 May 2011
Summer 2011
It's already May! That means it's time to start looking forward to another fun Portland Summer. I have 3 weeks off in June and 3 weeks off in August. I'm debating going home in August for some of the 3 weeks.
I thought that I'd start a list of websites that have helpful information for what to do, where to go.....
http://oregonfarmersmarkets.org/directory/directory.html
http://www.portlandonline.com/parks/index.cfm?c=52643
http://myoregonfarm.org/
http://www.pickyourown.org/ORporteast.htm#listings
http://www.atomic-arts.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/trek-back.jpg
http://www.tsgpdx.com/events%2Bnews
ok - this isn't until October- but I have to remember to go again this year:
http://www.portlandnursery.com/events/appletasting.shtml
This post will have much more added, or an adendum, or something! There's so much to do here in the Summer and I look forward to discovering even more than I did last year.
I thought that I'd start a list of websites that have helpful information for what to do, where to go.....
http://oregonfarmersmarkets.org/directory/directory.html
http://www.portlandonline.com/parks/index.cfm?c=52643
http://myoregonfarm.org/
http://www.pickyourown.org/ORporteast.htm#listings
http://www.atomic-arts.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/trek-back.jpg
http://www.tsgpdx.com/events%2Bnews
ok - this isn't until October- but I have to remember to go again this year:
http://www.portlandnursery.com/events/appletasting.shtml
This post will have much more added, or an adendum, or something! There's so much to do here in the Summer and I look forward to discovering even more than I did last year.
16 April 2011
Abandonment
Wow, it's been a super long time. I've let myself get addicted to Facebook and have ignored the urge to write. Way back in October I started NSO-ing for the Rose City Rollers. In November I went home for Thanksgiving. At the end of December my mom came to visit - during that trip I enjoyed a maple bacon donut from Voodoo....it was delicious! In January mom left and I began the process of packing up all of my stuff. In February I moved to Gladstone. I'm renting a room in a house. It's 3 miles from work which is super convenient (especially on sunny days, because then I can walk). In March, um, I can't think of anything wonderful or life changing that happened this month. April 13 I celebrated my 6 month-a-versary as an NSO. I've also decided to start learning the rules for Roller Derby so that I can ref/become level one certified. What a quick little update. I will write more often. I need to make it a goal.
10 August 2010
Wedding Card Box
Card box created for the wedding of Stephanie and James Schnedier (Married August 7, 2010).
I'm bummed I didn't get a pic of it open as the boxes were hinged and it was pretty awesome.
The box reads: When there is Joy there is hope, When there is Hope there is love, When there is Love Anything is Possible
I'm bummed I didn't get a pic of it open as the boxes were hinged and it was pretty awesome.
The box reads: When there is Joy there is hope, When there is Hope there is love, When there is Love Anything is Possible
22 February 2010
Dear Life
You've lead me here and now I feel as though I am stuck.
I think it was catching up with people I hadn't seen in so many years
that's made me realize that I really need to get a move on.
I just don't know how anymore.
I feel as though i'm at a place where i'm not growing, not learning,
not becoming who I want to be.
Jealous of some? Yes. Sad? Yes.
I have all these crazy thoughts running through my head,
I just don't know how to get there.
why does it seem so hard?
Is it supposed to be like this...............I wish I was a better saver.
I'd pack all my crap and go somewhere
I think it was catching up with people I hadn't seen in so many years
that's made me realize that I really need to get a move on.
I just don't know how anymore.
I feel as though i'm at a place where i'm not growing, not learning,
not becoming who I want to be.
Jealous of some? Yes. Sad? Yes.
I have all these crazy thoughts running through my head,
I just don't know how to get there.
why does it seem so hard?
Is it supposed to be like this...............I wish I was a better saver.
I'd pack all my crap and go somewhere
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)